in a world where social media seems to be taking over, facebook is a total phenomenon. in the old days we exchanged addresses with new friend so as to write letters, then phone numbers so as to call, first landline and then mobile.. now upon forming a new friendship we ‘facebook add’.. those not on facebook are met with a quizzical expression and written off as ‘must be hiding something’ but now.. i find myself one of those people.. one wishing to live without.

at first the idea seems simple and great.. i joined when i began travelling overseas as a means of connecting with my family and friends back home.. what a great idea it was. upload photos, write a ‘mini’ blog, chat and exchange comments… fantastic.

but the trouble began arriving back on home territory. people i hadn’t spoken to in years, or perhaps ever, began to request me as a friend. unusual, but initially unthreatening. i tagged people in photos and then was met with angry requests to remove them as they ‘didn’t look their best in that shot’. people from work wanted to add me and i began to receive work related questions and event invites. before i knew it there was a massive community tied into my page and the simple pleasure of privacy began to become an issue, and i couldnt say no to people or kick them off for fear that they would (as i discovered first hand) retaliate with anger and resentment, even going to great lengths in the real world to track me down and demand to know why i wouldn’t ‘accept’ their friendship.

problems arose faster than i could count them..

the passive aggressive posts designed to ‘not be talking to anyone in particular but if you’re reading this caitlyn mervale i think you’ll get my point….’….

the game invites and pleas from friends ‘please join my quest, all you have to do is sign up and i’ll get 50 cougar points’…

the spam email ‘melanie also likes joel’s status. jacinta also commented on marie’s photo. 3 more people have said yes to this event invitation’…. who the hell are they? and why are they taking up 2/3 of my inbox room?

the friend’s who wrote things on my wall that i may have personally not wanted the world to know, especially when they bust up surprises ‘hey did you find that book for your sister? i found a copy at borders today, it’s her birthday soon write?’ (face palm)

the cause requests and political pushers ‘help us save the whale pod in south korea by liking this group.. 1 million angelina jolie fans wanted.. join my group for anti terrorism’

now i know that i have been told a hundred times by friends ‘oh you can change your privacy settings, just add this, remove that, allow these things and dont do these, you can make these pictures private and these ones public…’ but who has that much time??? suddenly my whole life was on facebook. who said what? when was that party? who defriended me, it used to be 108 now its 105?

i felt like i had no place to hide, no privacy, some of my ‘friends’ ran checks to see whether or not i was really commenting on their page the most.. i was confronted with questions from applications like ‘do you think john is sexy’? who wants to tell a friend that you don’t think they are sexy? it may be true, but there’s no need to tell them that!

i was falsifying the truth everywhere. i never wanted to say what i did or who with for fear it would aggravate someone, i didn’t want work to think i was anything but ideal so kept anything not almost pristine off the page, i had to check every 5 minutes to ensuring someone hadn’t revealed anything by writing on my wall, i had to check daily for birthday reminders and event invitations…

i dont wish to lie, in fact i’m a pretty damn honest person… but there’s a difference between lying and not telling everybody everything… and i began to think ‘if i can’t be myself on here, what is the point? i wanted to use this medium to talk to my friends and keep updated on what they’re doing… but there’s so many people, and so much to read, and so many new photos.. god i miss the days where i would see a friend and say ‘so how are you?’ instead of ‘you seemed down on facebook last week.. why so angry?’

i found myself developing behaviours i didn’t like.. for example, the instant media that allows you to update immediately and on time means anger/depression/sadness can be revealed when it should be contained or redirected.. often as humans it takes time to process things and the processing is not what you want to share with the world.

i was staying awake till odd hours talking to people or trying to catch up with what was happening to my friends.

i found myself spending more and more time on addictive facebook applications that, much like video games, provided a false sense of achievement in what i felt was a boring point in my life that lacked direction..

having to do things like add ‘is in a relationship with..’ or worse ‘is no longer in a relationship with…..’

lathargic and tired i fell in a heap, confounded by what to do and how to unravel myself from this web.. then just the other day a new problem arose. a magazine article stating ‘employers now banned from using facebook pages to assess applicants’.. they wouldnt do that would they? they couldn’t…how would they access it? my naive view of this world became very clear.. i had no idea who had my information and who was using it. sure, i know i’m a good person, honest, respectable, caring, hard working, competitive… but i should be able to put that across in a job interview without the concern that someone added that picture of my with a huge stein of beer that i was only holding for the photo or that picture of me in that sexy maid outfit for that close friend’s private birthday party… or mentioning that illness that had me exhausted for weeks on end..

discrimination shouldn’t happen and legally it’s not supposed to in a work sense, but in the end it does, so just as you wouldn’t put on your resume things that MAY invite discrimination, why would you want to invite the world to discriminate against you? in a slightly augmented form of ‘pleading the fifth’, i am saying i no longer wish to use facebook. i don’t want it in my personal life and i certainly don’t want it in my work life.

wanting a slice of my life just for me is human…

usually they’re accompanied by an initial excitement, followed by panic.. and then ultimately, impatience. when will it get here? why wont time fly by? why wont it hurry up?

but this time, even though i am looking forward to it, and secretly wishing it was happening tomorrow, i’m not longing for it in the same way. because this time, my life is already full, and i am not waiting for this to fill it. i feel like i have so much going on today that i don’t want it to come too quickly, because i have so much to do between now and then. i love being at the restaurant again with all my friends and ever changing workmates, my regular customers… i love my studying even though it’s scaring me to death (the only reason i’m procrastinating is because i think i’ll fail but i can’t procrastinate anymore, i’m now running out of time and i want to do it justice for the time and money i’ve spent!).. i love my life, in my house, with my lovely gorgeous sweet and amazing boyfriend, who of course will be with me on my onward journey but i love our privacy, our life, our home, while we have it for the next short while.. i love my family, and have learned more about appreciating them, and even miss them so much i just find myself driving over or calling just to say hi and spend some time.. doing nothing in particular.. i even miss my little sister who is still.. somewhere in the americas!

i love my art, dance classes, spending time with my friends.. i love it all, and it will be sad when i move to leave this all behind.. but i feel like home is moveable.. and i want be be home anywhere in the world. i’m scared to death but you know what, home will always be home, no matter what happens.

i feel like… this is right.. this is the right choice.. always moving forward..

i’m now making the decisions i want to make.. i want.. i want.. i want.. and i will now have.. however scary that might seem it’s gotta be worth it. i don’t think i could possibly regret any of the decisions i’ve made since i started doing exactly what i want.